Contradictions

I usually say that I used to have a crush on Sam. He had been in my A-level school and we were both involved in a fund-raising musical production -- him acting as a gangster in the musical, me involved in various supporting backstage roles. When I had discovered that my housemate was his long-time childhood friend, I was like: NO WAY!! and told her that I used to have a crush on him, because it is a simpler concept to explain.

The reality is slightly more complicated.

Yes, the boy piqued my interest because of the Chao-Ah-Beng role he played in the musical. And because of that, one day, as he walked past the desk I was studying at along one of the school corridors, and we silently acknowledged mutual recognition, I wondered idly: What kind of person would he be like? What would it be like to be his girlfriend?

I was in a relationship. With a boy I loved. We had shared our dreams, and spoken of a future together, marriage, and kids. And I was Happy. As far as I was concerned, reality was that Boy and I were going to have just the one relationship - each other - and marry. Infidelity, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, or breaking up didn't cross my mind. I loved this boy and wanted to be with him.

And yet, that day, when Sam walked past, a part of me asked: I wonder (just wonder) what it would be like to be with someone else? Him (Sam), for example.

And when I realised that I would never know (because I thought Boy and I were going marry), I felt a tremor of disappointment. Not because I wasn't in love with my Boy. Not because I was longing for Sam in particular. Nor because I was discontented or unhappy with my relationship, or wanted to rove. But because I had a question. And I would never get the answer.

You see, I've always been greedy. Greedy for life. Experiences. The heights and depths of emotions. The breadth and distance of horizons. Greedy for when how why what.

I have said it often enough, that I read blogs because, regretting that I only have one life to live (and one is too little), I want explore all the possibilities that I myself have missed out on, by vicariously living a million lives, and looking through a million pairs of eyes.

That day, the deep contradictions inherent within a relationship was brought home to me - that love, which is liberating, joyous, and life-giving, was at the same time limiting, restricting, and life-denying. That day, Sam became the embodiment of life's contradictions.

It's not an easy concept to explain in one sentence. Definitely not a dinner table conversation topic. So usually, I just say that I used to have a crush on him, although it has very little to do with him specifically at all.

I have come to realise that it was a good thing that Boy and I had broken up. I think that otherwise, with time, I may have come to resent the fact that I have not lived enough of life, and channel my resentment (unfairly) towards him. I have grown and learnt many lessons these past three-and-a-half-years. And while it's true, I will never know how these years would have been like with him, and so cannot definitively say for sure - nevertheless, I suspect that the life I've had without him is the more enriching one of the two possibilities within contemplation. Because I have undertaken an important journey and learnt some lessons that fits into my personal growth needs at the stage of life that I'm at.

It's strange how life throws you for a loop -- there is good within what seems bad, and bad within what should be good. In life, you just can't win.